Arsonist
by phattrash
Summary: Jade starts some sick fires in Tavros's quivering breast, bro.


**A/N: Tavros/Jade from Homestuck, because almost nobody ships the two. Sorry if the writing is badly OOC; I'm very slowly familiarizing myself with the HS universe. **

Tavros stared glassy-eyed into his computer screen, palms clasped to his pallid cheeks. A goofy grin was plastered across his face, the contents of a specific few chat logs with that bubbly human female-Jade Harley-occupying his full and undivided attention. As his eyes repeatedly sought out her cutesy emoticons and the kind words with which she treated everyone who hadn't like murdered her in an alternate timeline, he let out a small, enamored sigh. As snippets of his own lines caught his eye, however, a nigh imperceptible twitch characterized his left eyebrow. The chat logs he was so occupied with were from radically varied timelines, so his projected attitude in each of said chats was kind of all over the place. One thing was sure, though, and that was this: he was doing a really crappy job of trolling the girl. His poorly-worded taunts, in his mind, did little to disguise the attraction that grew with Jade's every written "hehehehe :D".

Wrapped up in his sappy little love fest, Tavros failed to notice the shadow that fell across his desktop. Someone jabbed his side, causing him to furiously minimize the numerous windows he had open and turn his head in pretend-nonchalance. "Yeah, do you need something...?" It was a smirking Karkat that faced him...never a welcome occurrence. "I can see you're presently occupied, fuckass, but I had something to ask of you." Tavros fingered the collar of his shirt nervously, praying fervently to whatever mysterious almighty cloud-dwellers above-er, below? Whatever-that Karkat The Belligerent hadn't caught a glimpse of his pre-evac screen. "S-Sure. Go away. A-Ask ahead. Agh! Sorry, I meant-" Karkat interrupted Tavros's flustered stuttering with a scoff. "Cool your jets, you blithering cockwipe. I was just gonna trouble your royal ass for a wiping rag...but-"  
"-Need to polish your nubby horns again, dude?"

"I'm like a second away from ripping out your fucking innards and strangling you with them, fuckwit. That was such a cosmically shitty jab I might just trim your eyebrows with my fangs. Like, do you need some burn for that ice. Fuck." Tavros smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. It slipped out." Karkat's mood seemed better than usual today.

"AS I WAS SAYING, Nitram, before you decided to tickle my throbbing phlegm lobe by unleashing some of your marvelously asinine shit-talk into the fucking universe, I only needed to borrow that shit from you." Tavros eagerly got up and started to shuffle over to wherever the hell he kept his sparse personal possessions, only to be halted in his tracks by Karkat's hand suddenly clasping his shoulder.

"But forget it. I have something much more interesting to confront you about, asshole." Tavros bit his lip uncomfortably and prepared himself for the inevitable. "Um. Whatever...?"  
"You can shove your lame feigned ignorance, pal. No need to get your shitty diapers in a twist. I won't bludgeon you to death with my dick just because you're harboring warm mating desires for the green human female." Tavros felt his face grow warm, a reaction that baffled him. "Wait no. Totally off, Vantas. Way wrong. Who's Jade? I never said anything about Jade." Karkat rolled his eyes so hard he thought they would fall out of his eye sockets. "This is why you're such a shit excuse for a troll, you transparent pansy. Even fucking /Egbert/ would see right through your ass."

Tavros gave up, not exactly relishing the thought of a one-sided argument with Karkat. "Okay, sure. I'm, uh, red for Jade. Are you happy now? Has your life regained its purpose?"

Karkat smiled an utterly mirthless smile and talked through his fangs. "Fuck yes, I am so full to bursting with this human emotion called 'happiness' that rainbows are crawling out of my undulating bulge and splashing out onto the floor and giving birth to fucking cotton candy ponies with genitals made of small chocolates." Tavros grunted and fixed his gaze on his shoes. "That's good for you, bro. I'm happy for your happiness."

Karkat smashed his palm into his forehead. "Jegus fuck. You will stop that. You're a god-awful troll, so stop trying in my presence. I'm tempted to puncture myself in the eye on your damned bull horns and then dump the blood from my empty eye socket into your shitty mouth and drown you with it, you unbelievable pissant." Tavros shrugged and sat back down at his PC. He checked Trollian for the umpteenth time for any sign of a new message from Jade. Karkat muttered under his breath and once again jabbed a finger into Tavros's side.

"Your candy corn horns pleading for that brush right about now?"  
Karkat clenched his fists with suppressed rage and spoke in a strangled voice. "If it pleases your fucking highness to answer, might I ask just what it is about that rotund human eccentricity that you find so appealing?" Tavros pursed his lips and pulled up Jade's sleeping image on his computer screen. Her messy dark hair that caressed the soft contours of her still face, her quirky upturned button nose, the lopsided smile that creased her inviting features even as she lay motionless on her bed..."I don't know, really. I am fond of her, and that's all there is to it." Tavros realized with embarrassment that he was smiling like a giddy idiot. Karkat made a retching sound and said, "Pardon me for breaking into your perverse assbackwards fantasies, but if you so wish to commit the grubby abomination that is interracial procreation with the dull creature, you should just fucking tell her so. Go on, you shitfaced rhinoceros. Talk to the damn dreambot." Tavros gulped and decided to heed Karkat's advice because why not.

-To Be Continued-


End file.
